Free Will

Free will. For those who are religious, it’s often viewed as a God-given gift. For others, it is simply a fact of life. For the philosophical, many question whether or not it truly exists. For me, decision-making has always been a painful process…when it comes to the big decisions, that is. Sure, it is my choice. But what if I make the WRONG choice? I don’t tend to agree with the concept of fate/destiny, so it is difficult for me to feel that everything will work out in the end no matter what I decide. Free will means the freedom to screw up! Hell, according to Christianity, if we didn’t have free will and make a crappy choice, we would all still be living in paradise in the Garden of Eden. But if destiny exists, I’d certainly prefer to be in charge of mine.

Day 5 of Unemployment:   Today has been a bit of a nightmare for me, mentally. I feel as though all I’ve done today is argue with myself! I began my morning with some hardcore job hunting. I had to take a break after a couple of hours, because I started getting upset. It is so discouraging to sift through jobs that either don’t apply to you or that you would be under or over-qualified for. I felt anxious. Oh yes, have I mentioned that I have a slight problem with anxiety? I can usually keep it under control these days, but I do get panic attacks at times. Sometimes it feels crippling…sometimes I get anxious to the point that I throw up. Thankfully, today was not one of those days, but I have still felt incredibly stressed and very lonely. Keeping in line with my goal of getting outside once a day to relax, I got myself ready to go to the pool only to discover that it is closed on Mondays :(. Feeling rather defeated, I picked up a book (I’m finally reading Game of Thrones after being obsessed with the tv show – George R.R. Martin may be a long-winded writer, but the man can certainly tell a captivating story!) and zoned out mentally for a while.

I am terrified of making the wrong choice for my next job. So silly – I haven’t even scratched the surface of applying to jobs or been given an offer, but I’m already freaking out about whether or not I will enjoy what I choose. I am also eating my own words about trying to get out of healthcare (what steadfast resolve I have…jeez. Haha)…I applied to my first job today, and it was for a strategic marketing position at a hospital. After much agonizing, I decided that it does not hurt to apply within that field. I  realized that I don’t want to make the choice to box myself in. It could be a completely different experience this time around…if I even hear back from the company at all.

It is true, my decisions will shape my future. But free will also means the freedom to change. If I do dislike my next job, I have the freedom to start looking for something else (while earning a steady income and not having my job search marred by panic). Living in fear is no way to live. I am encouraging myself and others to take chances, because you never know what your choices may lead to down the line. Good or bad, I am grateful to be able to exercise free will. Not everyone is so lucky. Free Will…y. Ever since I began this blog post I can’t get that damn adorable whale out of my head! He was set free and able to swim to a Michael Jackson song and begin to make his own choices in the wild. You go Willy!